When Mother's Day Changed

Last year was meant to be my first Mother's Day as a soon-to-be mama. I was just finishing the first trimester of my first pregnancy and my husband and I were thrilled to be starting a family. We felt so lucky because unlike many of our friends who have walked through painful struggles with fertility, we got pregnant as soon as we started trying.

My first trimester was not the easy, magical experience I had pictured. The exhaustion and the sometimes constant nausea made for a brutal few weeks. However, as the first trimester was coming to a close, I was starting to have intermittent good days and was finally able to soak up some of the joy and excitement of what was coming.

We went in for my first trimester scan just four days before Mother's Day. That's when we heard the news, "there's an anomaly." An anomaly? What? The doctor was able to identify that there was a problem, but didn't have the equipment nor the depth of knowledge necessary to tell us exactly what was happening. I left that appointment stunned and heartbroken. Unsure of exactly what was going on and the severity of "the anomaly," we quickly set up an appointment to see a specialist. It was the next morning when we got the news. There were serious birth defects and our child was not going to survive.

It is hard to describe what the next few days were like for me. There were a lot of tears (sobbing really), anger, bargaining and pleading with God, as well as confusion and total uncertainty of how to move forward. I did my best to stay off social media that weekend, but when I did look and was faced with all of the Mother's Day posts, my heart was broken. It was broken by what was happening in my own life, but also because for the first time, I felt a piece of what it must be like to experience Mother's Day from a place of loss - a loss of a mother or child, a loss of fertility, a loss of a relationship that promised the dream of starting a family, a loss of a promised adoption, the list could go on and on. 

My husband and I both took the next two weeks off of work, We met with specialists, spent time processing with our families and sought out spiritual counsel.  I was so raw and full of pain. It was hard to accept that I would never hold this child in my arms and that this part of our story was coming to a close.

I have opened up to certain communities about my story. When I have shared, I have been met with nothing but love and support - the most meaningful of which have been the stories of, "me too" and, "I went through the same thing."

I have always known that the sharing of stories and the knowledge of not being alone are some of the most powerful things we can do to support one another and build community. It's why I'm choosing to share my story widely rather than just with those close to me. The silence and whispers that surround miscarriage, infertility and other pregnancy issues can be so damaging. The last thing a woman in this position needs is to feel like there's something shameful about what's happening to her - something that should be hidden from public view.

Today I celebrated Mother's Day by heading out to a local park and feeding hungry people. It was the perfect activity to get out of myself and be of service in the face of anxiety and the memory of pain. We're pregnant again and once again Mother's Day rolls around at the end of my first trimester. Our first trimester scan is scheduled for Tuesday morning and while I have tried so hard not to experience this pregnancy through the lens of past experience, it has been difficult to connect with the joy and the life inside of me these last few months. There have certainly been moments and even full days of celebration and excitement, but I know there is a piece of me holding back from really leaning into it until we get past this scan.

Whatever comes this week, I have been reminded by many of those close to me that it never really ends. The worry of a mother only increases once the baby is born and then you get to spend the rest of your life hopeful and yet concerned with what life holds for your child. For today I am trying to connect with my love for my unborn child and focus on the possibility of good rather than fearing the potential bad.