35, Single and Not Even Close to Motherhood

The first memory I have around the concept of being too old to have children is at the age of 6. My parents sat my brother and I down and said “Surprise, you’re getting a baby sister!”

(little did I know it was a huge surprise for them as well)

Immediately, I saw the love and excitement in my mother’s eyes, but behind that also lived an unfamiliar look - the look of insecurity. I don’t remember the exact verbiage, but she leaned over to my father and made a joke about being too old for a newborn at the ripe old age of 33. THIRTY THREE, yeah...wipe that smile off your face….in 1988 thirty three was considered OLD...and you know what, to my 6 year old self...she did seem old.

As little girls we are introduced to motherhood pretty much from birth. I can’t remember the first doll I had, but I know it was before I could even roll over for some good old fashioned “tummy time”. As the years went by, more and more dolls entered my life which then turned into my “babies”. I started playing house and learning to change pretend diapers and burp plastic versions of the real life thing...all before I could even talk full sentences! As a little girl, being a mother wasn’t even a choice...it was just what happened to women. Everyone is a mother and the older women that weren’t mothers were just waiting to be mothers.

I don’t think it was until I hit high school that I realized being a mother was actually a choice. What’s that you say? Not ALL women are mothers?! My mind was blown. I started thinking about what I really pictured for my life around the age of 17. I had big dreams...HUGE. I was going to move to New York City and become a famous singer...and be a wife and have babies. Being the visionary that I deemed myself to be - I was going to have it all.

So off I went. Packed my bags - moved to NYC and started my journey through the music industry. Somewhere along the way, I also managed to find myself a boyfriend. This boy would go on to support my huge career goals and love me for me. We started making plans. We said we were going to get married. We wanted to have kids...

We didn’t. Well I didn’t at least.

This damn boy went on to break my heart in Times Square at 24 years old and left me to fend for myself. Yeah yeah...woe is me.

Subsequently, this was when the panic started to set in. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?! ForGET the fact that I was running an entire department at a major record label in New York City....HOW WAS I GOING TO HAVE BABIES?!

From 24 to current (35 - UGH) I have been existing in this state of panic. It comes in ebbs and flows, and truly, I am MORE than proud of all the other things that I have accomplished in my life - but each year that goes by...I am another year closer to no longer having a choice to be a mother. Sound familiar?

We grow up as little girls thinking that women don’t have a choice to be mothers and we get older thinking that women don’t have a choice to be mothers, but these thoughts mean very  different things. The difference is that the former comes from a place of naivety and purity, while the latter comes from a place of clinical and social disappointment.

So how did we get here...How did I get here? If 33 was old in 1988 and my mom was on her THIRD child. What does being 35, single and not even close to motherhood in 2017 mean?

I can absolutely point fingers at the feminist movement - ironic really. You taught me to have a career and that I could provide for myself - but COME ON EVOLUTION - why haven’t you told my body to keep up with those ideals. I NEED MORE TIME. Also...you know, sometimes our bodies just don’t do what we want them to do and sometimes men don’t act how we want them to act.

Real talk? The truth is, I don’t know who or what to blame - so the default is to blame myself.

BUT...with that...I also find reason.

While I can’t stop my body from getting older, I can be supported in not being tied to the way that being a mother has traditionally looked for centuries and centuries. This is 2017 after all.

What can you do to support me? Help me to not be tied to the way it looks. Being a mother can look so many ways. Help me to be open to it. I am 35 and I still want to be a mother. Help me see that to be true whether it comes from the possibilities offered from egg freezing, adoption, single motherhood, fostering or whatever else that might come my way and connects me to that feeling of being a mother.

Please avoid the dreaded conversation around “You don’t get it, you don’t have kids” It hurts...it really hurts when you say that. We want to know - so we love your babies as much as we possibly can, just so we can get a taste of what it might feel like to “get it”.

And lastly - regardless of whether I become a mother or not - I am still a complete woman. Please don’t forget that and remind me when society or my insecurities have me forgetting it as well. And a reminder to myself and anyone else that connects with this piece, there isn't something wrong with you if you don't become a mother - you're awesome just the way you are. And to that boy, thank you. Without you, I may not have learned how much bigger I am than the tiny box I tried to put myself in.